Reincarnated as a Phoenix

Chapter Epilogue 5 – Girls Day Out

“Urghhhh…”

The chirping of birds, the bristling of leaves in the wind, the sound is extremely peaceful but even just the quietest of whispers makes my head spin and pound uncontrollably.

‘Wait, why is the world upside do-. Stupid Ikarus, I’m upside down’

As I slowly regain my spinning sight, two things quickly become apparent as I’m hanging upside down from a tree and wearing something I never thought would.

---Brooklyn really looks like Charlotte, huh. Did try getting the image to make sense but gravity.exe wasn’t having it.

----------

Thankfully, Petra’s down below with a sleeping bag so I presume she stayed with me the night? Couldn’t she have cut me down already then? I could’ve died hanging like this! I think?

“Petraaa… just what happened?”

“Heh, *yawn*. You got too competitive, Ikarus. I purposely called it quits early on because you two were getting carried away”

Desperately trying to recall last night’s events and trying to untie the damned rope attached to my ankle, I can’t remember a single thing! How much did we drink?

“If you’d like to know, some of the highlights include flying through town with only a loincloth on, buying a carriage full of garlic trying to fend off succubae attacks, and the best was riding an ostrich through the town square. That race lasted too long and got the animal protection services involved”

‘As ostrich? Where did I get an ostrich?’

“That doesn’t explain why I look like this or got here though!”

“Heh, made a joke about you looking like Charlotte and you weren’t having it. You bought that habit yourself to prove me wrong”

‘Sweet Jesus… I don’t look that much like Charlotte, do I!?’

“We ended up here because you were adamant you could ‘yeet’ yourself from a tree branch. That went as well as you might expect”

Everything Petra says is true, but I’m completely gob smacked! Dio must’ve pulled out some real strong booze if things went down like this. Heck, I’ve even got underwear on under this habit! The fact I’m somehow not commando proves I lost my mind.

“Did I at least win? The contest I mean, not the ostrich race. And where’s Dio now?”

“Heh, neither of you won if that matters. Think I heard Dionysus ended up in a barrel floating down the river Styx. You two teleported there to find Persephone’s flower to prank Hermes with. No idea what that means either”

Silver linings, I guess. No idea on that flower thing but didn’t Hermes at one point in time have a crush on Persephone? Can’t remember that exact bit of mythology.

Still struggling in my bondage, it does help the headache knowing Dio ended up in a bad situation as well. I would like it if I could maybe get down now, damn wife looking at me like I’m a chunk of meat hanging from a rack. This is probably why she left me up here.

“So… you gonna keep me like this forever?”

“Heh, in just a second. It’s not every day I get to admire you in your original body, Brooklyn”

Knowing where this is leading, I close my eyes and wait for the inevitable kiss that quickly happens. Petra leans in and we kiss upside down style, exactly like that man spider person. I know we’ve kissed kinda like this before but who cares, goddamn it!? Still great but awkward as ever!

Just wish Petra didn’t have to fight through all this nun clothing because gravity means I must look like a right idiot right now.

After our lips leave each other, Petra cuts the rope holding me up and I fall face first onto the ground.

“Ouch! Couldn’t you have caught me or something?”

“Heh, normally I would. Wouldn’t Brooklyn find it slightly emasculating though?”

“As if that’s ever stopped you before, Petra! You just want to see me suffer today, don’t cha?”

“Heh, think the outfit and the hangover will be enough for now, Ikarus”

Dusting off the dirt, I’m of course trying my best not to pout but my pouting face is now a tale as old as time itself. Still though, I’ll satisfy her addiction for seeing me suffer for a while.

I do see why Charlotte always wears this sort of thing, it’s surprisingly comfortable and freeing. Would prefer if wearing this didn’t make me want to scream the word of God and hallelujah, I can always redeem my sinful ways another time though.

“Now, what is there to do today? Please don’t tell me we’ve got loads to do”

In a perfect world, I can stay all day in bed and sleep this banging headache away but I already know fate doesn’t work that way. It wouldn’t surprise me if we promised we’d spend the entire day going through taxes with Marcus or something.

“Heh, funny you should say that, Ikarus. I promised Ariza we’d help her with something. You won’t like it though”

“Why wouldn’t I like helping Ariza?”

For the life of me, I can’t think of the reason why. The bluebird of us phoenixes is precious and must be protected at all costs, not really sure why I wouldn’t want to help with something.

“Heh, just wait and see. Try keeping the moans contained, you’ll understand why soon…”

__________

“Erk, why the hell do me and brown orangey have to be here!?! I already told you; I oppose this marriage!”

“Uh, that’s because you three are the only people I can go to on this. Eve is too much, Loki only likes skimpy or maid outfits, Charlotte only wears a tunic and Miss Penelope only wears pink”

“Heh, did tell you this would be a bad idea, Ariza. Ikarus’s brain is fried even more now”

‘Oh dear God, this is my worst nightmare. Petra was right, helping our bluebird isn’t worth this turmoil!’

Located right in the heart of our shopping district in a very expensive and posh store, we’re currently helping Ariza with a very specific type of shopping. Take a look at the things around us and the fact there’s mannequins about, it’s my worst kind of hell!

Yep, it’s a freaking boutique and Petra in her infinite wisdom thought bringing me along here would be a good idea. I didn’t even choose our own wedding dresses for the love of God, why would I be any help with Ariza’s!?

Regardless of this, the three of us are led to a fancy waiting room while Ariza is led somewhere else, presumably to go pick something out to wear. This place has a nice comfy sofa as well as free champagne so think I can withhold my complaining for now. What will help a raging hangover? More alcohol of course.

“Erk, why does no one listen to me? Give it a few months and brother will really see how weak that wyvern actually is”

“Heh, will you just let it go, Zeki? If you keep this up at the wedding itself, it might be for the best not to go”

“Erk… as if that’s even a bad thing”

To no one’s surprise, Zeki continues to grumble and moan while I start pouring the champagne. I’m going to need several bottles if we’re to get through this.

Thankfully, it doesn’t take too long for Ariza to get ready. Before she comes out, it sounds like she needs to get something off her chest.

“Uh, I w-want completely honesty, please? Apart from you, Zeki, you can shut it”

“Erk, bite me brother. Just get out here so I can start moaning. This must’ve been what those slaves felt like coming to America”

‘Zeki… shut it now before we get cancelled! You can’t make that comparison!’

“U-Uh, fine… how d-do I look? It’s a b-bit dated and tight, isn’t it?”

And there she is, stuttering and as cute as ever in a dress that actually gives her cleavage no less! She does look amazing, sure… but I’m not sure if it’s really her. She doesn’t seem all that sure about it either.

“Erk… I’m always being oppressed. You look fine, brother”

“Heh, looking amazing, Ariza. Ikarus?”

“Yeah… maybe there’s too many frills? Seems like something Petra would try and get me to wear”

Getting an actual glare from the wife, what am I supposed to say!? She asked for honesty! Heck, I think she even agrees with me!

“U-Uh, think you’re right, Ikarus. I’ll f-find something else…”

A quick wardrobe change that doesn’t take fifteen minutes and several bottles of champagne, then she’s back out here in another dress.

On one hand, I want this to end as fast as possible but on the other, she asked for complete honesty. Again, I’m not too sure and I think she is the same.

“What a-about this one? T-Think we’re getting there but I-I’m not sure”

“Erk, can someone please just pour bleach in my eyes already!? Brother shouldn’t wear things like this, it sends that flying rat the wrong idea!”

“Heh, idiot. Lovely again, Ariza”

“It’s fine… do you really like it though? Maybe try another?”

Again, Petra’s eyes are telling me to shut up but I’m doing what I was told! I know next to nothing about this sort of crap but I’ve already experienced pure torture at the hands of my wife, at times it feels like I’m her dress up doll. Point being, my eyes don’t lie! This one definitely it better than the first.

“T-Thanks Ikarus, wasn’t s-sure on this one either…”

“Heh, really Ikarus? Since when did you turn into the critical mother who doesn’t like anything she wears?”

“Hey! She asked for complete honesty and seemed unsure on both of them! Your biggest problem is that you’re too nice. Bridezilla Ariza doesn’t want that”

“Heh… guess you’re right, Ikarus. She really does like this kind of thing”

Remembering back to our own wedding, who do you think handled pretty much everything because me and Petra couldn’t care about all that crap? Bridezilla works perfectly for Ariza because it’s the one thing she can get obsessive over, that and helping people of course. Oh, animals as well, no wonder she likes the wyvern Prince so much. Have I made that sound weird?

Regardless of the fact my mind is strange, Ariza returns for a third time and hopefully, third time’s a charm, eh?

“O-Okay, this is my favourite. S-Still be honest, please?”

“*Snore*, zzz… erk! That freaking hurt, orangey!”

‘Then don’t go to sleep, moron! You haven’t suffered enough yet’Nôv(el)B\\jnn

“Heh, stunning again, Ariza. Anything to add, Ikarus?”

“Hmm…”

I bet a look like a right bitchy mother as I try to find fault with this next… albeit a mother who is a dude and part nun as well.

“Nah, I think this is it. Can’t seem to find fault this time”

“R-Really!? That’s settled then! This i-is the one…”

Seeing Ariza positively glow, I’m happy for her and all, but the fact this is over makes me even happier. Except…

“U-Uh, we’ve got to do the bridesmaids stuff next. Purple is nice but you two has that colour. Can you all help me model some colours, please?”

…

Looking directly at the wife, she’s trying her best not to laugh at me and Zeki’s pain. We really have to try on dresses as well!? I need some excuse; the hangover is only going to get worse if I have to suffer through this as well!

“Erm… ah, I’ve got it! I can’t help with this, Ariza, I’m sorry. I’ll have to change body, but I already promised Petra I’d stay as Brooklyn today. Can’t help with this, I’m afraid”

An excuse of pure brilliance floats in my mind which unfortunately relies on the wife not ratting me out. I’ll happily stay as nun Brooklyn for the day if it means I can avoid helping with this. It’s the lesser of two evils and being mistaken for Charlotte for a while sounds way less annoying than this.

Luckily enough, the wife doesn’t snitch on me but instead decides to remain quiet and wink instead. I’m going to grow to regret this, aren’t I?

“Uh, well that’s okay then, Ikarus. Can you two help?”

“Heh, of course, Ariza”

“Hell nah, brother! Why the crap should I put myself through this torture?”

Even sulking more than he was before, Zeki looks to me with a face of pure anger… so the same as usual. Now I’m happy we’re here if it’s to see him suffer.

“Because Zeki, I’m the only person who can convince Ria to lower your sentence. It was just under a year last time I checked”

‘How the hell has Zeki extended his genderbending time to a year? He must’ve called Ria a goblin fascist again’

Yep, just one of plenty of words that gets thrown around when the toxic couple argue. Understand this, Ria went out of her way to learn English just to understand Zeki a little more and that means she understands every comparison or insult thrown her way. The main problem is, fascist is just the tip of the iceberg to some of the stuff Zeki says behind the scenes. Imagine the worst humanity has to offer and there you go…

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, brother. After saying the cow looks like that fat British king, she gave me another month!”

‘Heh, he freaking compared her to Henry the Eighth. That’s better than what I was thinking’

“Uh, do this and I’ll get her to half it. You might have to spend more time in your original body, but I’m sure she’ll agree”

Not needing a response, Zeki reluctantly follows bridezilla Ariza along all the while me and Petra say cheers with the champagne. She’ll join them shortly but for now, might as well enjoy Zeki’s torment…

__________

“Heh, surprised you’re still smiling after all that, Ikarus”

“Seeing Zeki want to commit sudoku? Not sure why you’d be surprised, I live for his pain”

Back to roaming the city streets like a couple of drifters, I’m kinda liking the fact I’m not getting looked at as much as usual. Like I previously mentioned, the cultists view Charlotte as crazy so they don’t bat an eye to her. Petra however is still getting the awe looks from everyone.

“Heh, dressing like that really doesn’t affect you at all? You don’t feel embarrassed or even willing to fluster?”

I can’t help but stop us both and shake my head at Petra from this, she really wants me embarrassed that badly, huh? Maybe we can have some fun with this…

“Your sinister tongue won’t tempt me today, temptress!”

“Heh, religious roleplay then, Ikarus? So, this means I’m not allowed to access your temple?”

“No can do, blasted heathen! Degenerates like you belong on a cross!”

I’m already tying my hardest not to laugh but this quickly changes when she closes in, seductively putting both her hands on my backside and turns my mind astray. I guess I can forget my vow of celibacy for today at least…

“Heh, this might be a game you don’t want to play, Ikarus. You’re forgetting Brooklyn shows his affection if a very different way”

“Oh shit… you mind if I change then?”

“Heh, you don’t have to ask. Still love you the same either way”

Changing form to quickly give Petra a kiss, this is another problem with a guy body that people don’t speak about enough. Since I always have to commando, no exceptions, loving actions can cause a certain shtick to straighten… catch my drift? No? Well that’s all your getting from me, bless your innocent soul…

“Death to the highlander!”

‘Ouch! Da fuck!?’

But wait, a voice screams out from behind us and a dagger strikes into my back! Where the hell did that come from!? Did someone see me switching form as well?

In but a moment, Petra’s eyes turn the darkest shade of black and she draws her blade as well as moving me aside. She’s pissed…

Both of us get draw our weapons as the hooded assailant draws another blade, the previous still being in my back.

Petra immediately launches a kamikaze like attack at the assassin, forcing him to defend while I use Excalibur’s ranged feature to strike him from a distance.

He managed to dodge Petra’s rage, but he’s completely unable to defend the magical beam and said attack cuts his ankle off cleanly, collapsing to the floor. Just how freaking weak is this guy!?

“Petra, wait! We need him alive”

The sheer anger and pain her eyes show forces me to hold her back from swiping this guy’s head off cleanly. Sure, the dagger may hurt like a bitch and I’d like for him to die, a calm head is needed right now though.

“Who the fuck sent you, dude? And seriously, you might want to work on your aim next time. A dagger in the back is so outdated”

“Fuck you, highlander! I’ll never speak!”

A face we’ve never seen before with eyes full of hatred and despair, for some reason looking to assassinate me? Is this the end of the peaceful era we’ve been living through?

‘Just what the hell even is this? Was he trying to kill me or Charlotte…’